Secrets and When To Let Go

 

“The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.” 
― Socrates

Why do we have secrets? Why do hold onto secrets? There are some times that we hold onto secrets because of fear of being judged by our peers for our “actions” or “decisions” we make. I know that for myself I have been holding onto a secret or two because of the fear of being judged by my peers. But also because I fear that I will be “punished” for making decisions that may or may not benefit me solely. I look at holding onto to some secrets as beneficial to some people holding them for various reasons:  1. the individual may feel open to punishment or ridicule for what they are holding onto 2. they may feel that others may not understand what they are doing and why or what they are going through 3. they may not want to explain the reason(s) as to why they are doing this “secret” The list could go on forever of course but these are only 3 that could be possible…

Now when to let go.  When do we let go? When do we let go of the secret(s) that are burdening us of our happiness or that are preventing us from moving forward? Could today be the day that you move forward and let it all go?  If you hold onto these kind of secrets could you let go?  There comes a day when we need to let things go and move forward not for the sake of making anyone happy outside of our own being. But because it is  good for our own soul and it is good for our own well-being.  Sometimes it is good to move forward and to give forgiveness to another for wrongs that they have done to you (or that you feel they have done to you) and move forward.  It may not ever be forgotten but pass forgiveness upon the person that has wronged you and move on.  Sometimes we have to ask ourselves “Is this worth holding onto forever? IS this worth holding over their head for the rest of eternity?” How long do need to keep punishing the person after you have given forgiveness because the whole purpose of forgiveness is that you have “forgiven” that person so now it is time to move forward.  In essence though, you are holding a noose around their neck and reminding them every single time you get a chance of how they wronged you. SO  when is it time to let go?  Today is the day to let go, today you agree to yourself and you make a promise to yourself that “I gave forgiveness and I WILL let it go fully. I will no longer hold onto “this” I WILL let it go now and forever for full and total closure.”  It is hard to let it go and walk away but for total closure and for the well-being it is a must to “walk away.”

When do you walk away? Are you a person that “holds another hostage?” Do you hold them hostage to their mistakes and keep reminding them every chance you get? (Are you one of those people? truly ask yourself that question…) One of the worst things to be is a person that holds another hostage to their mistake(s) of their past. It is degrading not only of them but you as well. It makes you look like a bully. Yes a bully, you are being a bully but only in adult form, you know that big bully on the playground when you were a child that ruled the playground that beat up, shoved and screamed at every other kid on the play ground? The one that every other kid was scared of, that is you but only in adult form. You are trying to bully another into submission through your words and it really is not solving anything. You are just making another person hate you more or just want to walk away and stop trying to make up for their wrong.  IF you are not over it or you cannot give true and full forgiveness  then perhaps it is time for you to walk away (graciously). The person asking for forgiveness can never live up to your expectations and will never gain your true forgiveness. Do yourself and your “for give me” a favor and walk away with your head held high.

These are the things we do as adults because we care and because we are indeed adults. When we grow up we realize that the things we do are not always done because we want to but because it is what is best for our well-being.  Also as we grow older with each year we also realize what is important in life, who is important in our lives, what is worth fighting for, who is worth fighting for, and that “I” am in control of my life NOT another I choose who will I be surrounded by. As adults we NEED to understand that we are adults and we need to be fully in charge of our destiny as such.

Have the courage to walk away when you need to walk away…

Have the courage to hold onto the secrets that need to be held onto…

Have courage…

 

 

Advertisements

What If I Told You…

“What if I told you sometimes I lose my faith?…”

“If I told you all the stupid things I’ve done
I’d blamed on being young
But I was old enough to know, I know
If I told you the mess that I can be
When there’s no one there to see
Would you look the other way, cause you love me anyway?”   ~ What If I Told You  song by Darius Rucker~

What if I did in deed tell you that I lost my faith a longtime ago and that I am not looking for it? What if I also told you that I have done some very stupid things in my life that have cost me some of the best people of my life? What if I told you too that I that I have made some of the dumbest decisions of my life that after I made them I realized that they were the most hurtful for those around me? What if I told you that I have made decisions in my life without thinking about anyone but myself and how they would affect those near and dear to me or how they may cost me in the future?  What if I told you ?

I am a human and as a human we make mistakes. We all as humans make decisions that we do not think about the long lasting consequences nor how they will affect others. I myself have made some decisions that have been hurtful to some of the closest people to me.  Those that I love the most, those that are nearest and dearest to me. In the past some would even say I have not been a good friend, daughter, sister, or such because I have been struggling with a lot of “What If’s.”  I have lacked a lot in my personal life and one being self-esteem and a “clear emotional stable head.”  The moment I realized I had a problem and I confronted my “What If’s” head on was the moment I was able to move forward with healing myself and I was able to build self-esteem within me to be a better me.  I was also able to let go of the “What If’s” that were holding me back from healing and being the best person I could be.  I started focusing on letting go of the past and stopped worrying about what other people thought of me. I no longer focused on that issue and let it go, if people accept me, “GREAT” if not I cannot force them to like or accept me.  I have made huge strides in becoming the “Best Ceri Jo” I can be and I feel that every “apple” deserves to polished and put on a shelf to be displayed. I am that apple and I have been shined and deserve to be put on that shelf.

What if we are never given second chances? What if people never gave forgiveness?  I am a forgiving person.  I have been through enough heartache in my life to know that forgiveness is sometimes hard to receive from some people and that it will never be received from others.  While some will give it but will not genuinely mean “I forgive you” because they will hold “the wrong” against you by bringing it up every chance they get.  True forgiveness is “NOT” bringing it up, “NOT” speaking of it again. True forgiveness, let it go and move forward. What if you “REALLY” forgave a person? What if you “REALLY” moved forward? I want my life to move forward and I want people in my life to move forward with me.  What if the people in my life stopped holding me hostage to my past?  What if?  There is a quote I read a long time ago that read: “Don’t judge me by my past. I don’t live there anymore.”  ~Auliq Ice~   We as a society though need to stop holding people to their past and let them move forward.  What If? What if we moved forward and let the past stay there and let people be redeemed of their so-called “sins” that they have done to hurt you (or one another) ?  What If, Just Ask Yourself; What If?

Life is so short to be stuck in a What If society or a What If World?  Is it worth it to hold onto strife and resentment that is holding back relationships? It is not for me.  I am in such a great place in my life now. Now that I have let go of all the negative energy, all the anger, resentment, strife, past hurts, “who done me wrongs,” and everything in-between and  all around that was holding me back.  I have a high self-esteem and better outlook on life and my future because of it all.

My “What If” is “What If I let it all go and moved forward?”

What If…

 

How Dreams Can Inspire You To Change

If we do what we have always done and continue to do the same thing day after day nothing in our lives will ever change. We will get what we put into life, as in if we work hard at protecting our bodies they will reward us. If we put into relationships time and effort they will reward us as well , Life is what we put into it and we will either be rewarded or not.  It is all dependent upon ourselves and our efforts.

Change

I am a dreamer I always have been.  You never know the battle someone is fighting behind closed doors. I dream of being able to finish school and going on to help others as I have worked so hard towards.  I dream of the day I have little’s running around my house again, ones that call me Grandma.  I dream of the day when I am no longer battling demons of sickness and health issues.  I am a dreamer.  I am happy that I am a dreamer to me it says that I have a future and that I am looking to the future. It to me says that I do not dwell on the past or look to the past.  The past is in my rear-view mirror and I am not looking back that way because I am not heading back in that direction. I spent a lot of time in my past years worrying about my past and it lead me to stay in the past and not move forward.  I was not a happy person, instead I was a miserable bitch and I would lash out to those closest to me. It was costing me relationships.

I had to make a change I had to become a “new” person I had to become a “renewed” happier, optimistic, more centered, dreamer, and I could not dwell on the past kind of person. The kind of person that focused on herself and not others or what others thought of her.  I decided to put myself first and to focus on me. I did put me first. I realized I DID matter and that I was somebody, that no matter what people told me I am lovable, I can be a friend, I AM a friend, I am curable, I need help to work through some issues going on it my life BUT I am not broken.  I am NOT looking for a cure in people ( mean I am not looking for others to cure what ails me) I am able to stand on my own two feet and I am a VERY smart wise woman contrary to what people try to tell me.  I AM a Good person, a good friend, wife mother, daughter, sister, and everything above below and in between.  I am me there is no one else like me.

I awoke one day to a “new” me and it was the first day of the rest of my life. It was the day that I truly put my past behind me and move on.  But the hardest part of moving on it that though I am moving on, I have chosen forgiveness to those who have done me wrong there are those that cannot move forward, they chose to dwell on the past and I have moved on “seriously” moved on.  It’s all good people nothing going on here.  When I say “I am great” I truly mean I am great” .    A few years ago people would ask me how I was doing and I would respond with; “I am doing OK”  but now my response is a resounding; “I am doing FANTASTIC, GREAT, GOOD!!!”  because I am truly

Gonna Make

doing GREAT.  I  love where I am going in life and I have such a great life. I am on a great path and I feel the best I have felt in YEARS. I am dreaming of a fantastic future and I no longer have to think they are just dreams they can and will be reality.  I am going places in my life and I WILL make all my dreams come true.

I am a dreamer…and I am a work in progress I work everyday to be the best Ceri Jo I can be…. But I am me Genuine Me…..

I am a Dreamer….

Is It Worth It?

“Ask yourself what is really important and then have the courage to build your life around your answer.” ~Author Unknown~

What is Important to you? This a question that I have asked myself the last few months more times than I care to imagine. The question of “what is MORE important?” has come up along with that question a time or two as well. The things that are important today will they be important tomorrow? I have made some life altering decisions that will effect me for the rest of life. Decisions of which are life and death, friend and foe, heart and stone. I have to say the answer to every one of these questions each time “Is it worth it?” Today I can stand tall and say YES to them confidently.

The benefits of wellbeing come from taking care of ourselves and putting ourselves first. We need to focus on proper nutrition, exercise, good mental stability, and a good foundation of support of our choosing. Why is this that thing important you might ask yourself? It’s important that we choose for ourselves those we are going to surround ourselves with. Because if someone else chooses them for us we less likely to be open and honest with these people about out our struggles and there is a higher likelihood of failure. We need again to be surrounded by true and honest self chosen support. What are the benefits in the long run of missing out on your children’s lives because you’re “too busy” to make time for them? Too busy to go on a field trip, a sporting event, eat dinner with them, or read to them? Because before you know it they are grown and no longer rely on you anymore. But they will one day look back and remember where you were when they were growing up, and they will remember who was there. Is is worth it? It is always possible to make time for the ones that you love or things that are important to you , it’s a matter of Is is it worth it to you?

I believe that we live in a society that is 1) money obsessed 2) comparative/competitive {keep up with neighbors} 3) controlling {being controlled by another or you are the controller} 4) fake 5) faith believers {various religious beliefs} 6) when things get difficult in a relationship we run {“you’re too hard to love or you expect someone to fix you”} We need to be a more caring consistent society. If you are a friend and things start getting tough, instead of walking first how about using that as a last resort. When things are tough talk it through and talk about the issues be adults not children, the person very often is not wanting you to fix them they are just talking through their issues. They are getting things off their chest and talking through a plan so they can have another set of ears to see them through. They are looking for support in the form of, “I am here for you I can’t fix it but I can be a great listener for you to vent to.” See it’s not always about fixing instead sometimes it’s just about putting a “bandaid” on it and patching it until later. It’s about being a friend, a confidant trustworthy person to lean on. Perhaps because they would recipicate the gesture. Is it worth it to shut the door on what you call a difficult friendship/relationship?

Is It Worth It? To change your whole life as you know it to become someone you’ve always needed to be? Someone that will be you BUT a better, healthier version of you. Would you change your whole life to do so? The way you eat, breathe, exercise, work, move, whom your friends are and your whole thought process. NOT a diet but lifestyle, for life change. Is it worth it to you this is no gimmick, fly by night, fast fix diet but “I am all in for life, I am changed for life serious no turning back, no second chances, no do over I am going to change my life forever to be a better healthier version of myself for myself for my future self.” Is It Worth It?

Is It Worth It? Is any of it worth it?

I’d like to say we all have days that we need to step back and do a revaluation of different part of our lives. Our kids are only young once and money can’t buy their time nor their love. Your job or business won’t fold if you take a few hours or days off to spend time with family. I always “enjoy the you love or closest to you while you have them because one day you never know when you will wake and they will be gone & You may never have another chance to say ‘I love you’ ‘ I appreciate you’ time is precious people”

Be Blessed and remember to ask yourself:

“Is It Worth It?”

I Am Scared

“I think it’s much more interesting to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong. I have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of uncertainty about different things, but I am not absolutely sure of anything and there are many things I don’t know anything about, such as whether it means anything to ask why we’re here. I don’t have to know an answer. I don’t feel frightened not knowing things, by being lost in a mysterious universe without any purpose, which is the way it really is as far as I can tell.” 
― Richard Feynman

I am afraid of the unknown and I recently stepped outside of my comfort zone. I took on an intern position at local coffee-house I love.  I have loved being there and thus far and I have also been pushed to my personal limits on several levels.  Mentally and physically it has been hard on me.  I have been told for so long that I could not hold down a job and that I could not work that it has pretty much been drilled in my brain.  I have now possibly been given a new lease on life and a new sense of freedom of “Yes I Can!” I have not been pushed to do tasks that have been too strenuous or mentally difficult but I am doing something that is out of my comfort zone and that is huge for me.

I think that often it is hard for others to understand where I am coming from or what I am feeling when I say “I cannot do that” or “I do not know how to do that” or even “I do not remember how to do that” because I have forgotten how to do a lot of things/task that once came easy to me.  I for example was asked to count down a drawer early on in my internship and it was a simple task in my past (20 plus years ago) at all my previous jobs I have held I have had to count down a drawer.  I have done that without issue and I had never had a problem counting back change either.  But this time I could not count this drawer adequately and correctly without confusion, anxiety, and panicking.  I was in this moment having a total meltdown I could not deal with the fact that I could not remember how to count down a cash drawer.  I proceeded to tell my manager how much money I counted in the drawer but I also told her that I knew it was not right.  I also told her through tears and emotion of panic that I was having an extremely hard time with the task.  I also explained the reason why I was having a hard time with the task.  She was extremely understanding of my difficulty and gave me another chance and all the time I needed to get it right.  I tried again and low and behold (with a calculator) I was able to count that drawer correctly the first time.  See because I did not have to try to remember numbers in my head I was able to keep better track of the amount money I really I had in each category.  (I cannot keep a running tab in my mind. That’s a fact Jack!)  That one task kick started my confidence and made me feel so much better about myself.  I knew from that moment that I did not give others around me enough credit about me. I have to tell them my struggles and hurdles and then they can help me to be successful. If I do not tell them what I struggle with they cannot help me to be successful.

I am feeling good about myself because I stepped outside of my comfort zone and took on this internship.  I have been welcomed into a family, they are not coworkers they are a family. I am thankful that I have decided that I stepped outside my comfort zone.

I will succeed and I am no longer scared…

I Have A Hidden Disability

floral arrangement of pink peonies with leaves

I wonder everyday of my life if I will ever overcome my disability? Will others ever understand that I have a disability? I have a traumatic brain injury and it is an extreme nightmare just to function through a “normal” day for me. Something that is hard for me talk about and something that I do not share with many people outside of my “inner circle.”

My first injury to the brain happened December 2014 (brain surgery), second (brain surgery) two weeks later same area of the brain, third surgery same area of brain three days later, fourth surgery (same area of the brain) six weeks later, and fifth surgery two weeks later (same area of the brain). All of these surgeries caused frontal lobe damage to my brain. These surgeries changed my life (not for the good either.) I have never been the same, I have lost a sense of who I was and who I wanted to be, I have never been the same person since the first surgery. Before I had my first surgery I was working on my College Degree and was on goal to graduate (in few months after my after my first surgery. I had goals for my future and those goals were shot to Hell. I cannot stay on task to study for a class if I wanted to go back to school or even hold down a “remedial” job. I cannot stay on task of the simplest thing, I have to be constantly reminded of what I am to be doing during the day, I have post-it notes of what my task are and I cross them off “if” I get them done. I rarely get them done because I rarely get to a task on that list done because I am often onto another task that I “see” I think of and never even think of that list that I made earlier.

I have lost the majority of my friends and a lot of extended family does not talk to me in because they do not understand at all what it is like for me living with a TBI and even if I try hard to explain to them; “Though I look normal on the outside I am struggling on the inside. I am sorry that I honestly cannot control what comes out of my mouth I have no filter, I have anger outburst for no reason, I am forgetful, I cannot stand to be around HUGE crowds of people I can’t function it is a ‘brain’ overload for me and it causes me to panic. I talk and talk and talk about non-sense stuff and it often does not even make sense to “you” but to me it all makes sense. This is all part of this brain injury crap I cannot control, these things they are all part of having a TBI. They are NOT excuses. I do not do things to you/them/others intentionally or they hear that I “lashed out” from another person and then they come to their own conclusions but again no one wants to listen to me tell them why things happen. Some will call me a liar for trying to defend myself and tell them that I am not making this stuff up and I am not making excuses. I “really” am doing the very best I can and I “REALLY” DO want to be a better and I “REALLY” want to hold down a job and finish school, BUT it is not in the cards for me no matter how hard I try. I am trying hard to make small strides everyday. I accomplish little task. Those little tasks are a minute to others, but to me they are HUGE accomplishments and something that I have defeated.

People think that because they cannot see an “injury” on me that it does not exist. I know that my husband can see that I have “injuries” that are unseen. He can see that I changed and he can see that there are “deficits” in me and that I struggle to function most days. My husband also sees/knows that I am “hard to handle” and he has the patience to keep forgiving me a million times over for the zillions of times I lose my temper, I forget what I have said, I forget what he said or what others have said to me. He has patience to love me even though I am hard to love at times because he understands that I am locked in a secret Hell. I am locked in a mind of Hell that I never asked for and that I would do anything to change. I struggle in silence everyday because I am misunderstood or I feel others do not understand what I am struggling with. My husband knows without him in my life I would not be able to function, he is my rock and my BIGGEST supporter, cheerleader, the kindest, most forgiving man I know.

What I want others to know about me is that I am still me but I am a different me. I struggle to be patient with others, I burst out in anger often for no reason because I am frustrated and I cannot get my words together to express how I really feel. I am easily irritated when others interrupt me because it often takes me a longtime to find words and when you/they interrupt me I forget what I was going to say, which in return makes me impulsive with words or my actions. I am impulsive and I often do not realize how much I hurt others until it’s too late. I talk obsessively (more than I ever have) and often it make no sense to you, But at the end of it all it make perfect sense to me. I do not do things intentionally to hurt others and I love deeply. I am offended easily, VERY EASILY. I want people closest to me understand me and the HELL that I live with each and everyday and I wish that the ones that I love(d) most could truly understand I am not lazy and I am not a Bitch or mean, I am “damaged”.

I just want to be understood and I want you to know that I do the very best I can everyday… Instead of knocking me down, can you please help me. Help me be the best I can by encouraging me and being there for me. Listening to me and just being there for me. This journey has already been one of the hardest in my life already I just I just need support and encouragement NOT discouragement. I am damaged and I just want to be understood and not told to “Stop making excuses, You are just hard to love, You are too needy (as a friend), I can’t fix you”. Support and Uplift me, Love me, I KNOW I am hard to love/like/have around BUT try…

I have an invisible disability, with an ability to be able, to be the very best person I can….

“Love Yourself”

Life Is Hard

“One of the most courageous decisions you’ll make is to finally let go of  what is hurting your heart and soul.  Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own.” ~Unknown~

In life people will either lift us up or bring us to our knees and knowing which people are doing what in our lives is sometimes difficult.  It is often difficult because we want to hold to onto false hopes of “what was” or “what should be.”  In our minds we have this illusion of what we think or know we deserve from others in regards to treatment from them (their actions towards us.)  We often look at how we would treat others and expect the same in return.  For example if we were to think about deception and lies/deceit in relationships I know that I would much rather have a person be upfront and totally honest with me than to be hiding their true feelings behind my back just to make me feel better.  I cannot bear to think that someone is my friend when in reality they are talking behind my back (like a little school girl/boy) hating me.  In truth they really are not my friend, bearing a resemblance to “high school” behavior and I am an adult of almost 45.  I thought I out grew those games when I graduated high school.

 

 

Things like this cause a lot of pain not just emotionally but mentally as well for people. Because they give a person false hope, false hope that a relationship still stands or even that; that guy/girl may call, when in reality there will never be that call.  Not even a cold day in Hell’s chance that they will call.  It’s often harder to move on when either they are someone you have had a long relationship with or they are family, because there is so much love and history involved.  Some people say it is because you are “weak, selfish, self absorbed, needy, clingy, etc.” But in reality it is not that at all it is just you being a totally honest and normal human being responding as human beings would respond.  It is normal to respond as so because you have feelings and are none of these things, you are worth fighting and standing up for and you are worth more than this.  You deserve better than second best, second thoughts, after thoughts, or to be mistreated.  You deserve to move forward with better people in your life that value you and want you in their life.  I know that I do…

Life tosses struggles at us that sometimes we think that we cannot handle and we fight and claw our way through them thinking all the way that we never come out alive or survive. We wonder at times why would we have to go through these struggles and tribulations?  Why would we ever have to fight these battles what would be the ultimate reason(s) for them? Is it to make us stronger in our lives down the road? Does it better equip us for our futures, make us more compassionate people, more understanding, better people, and what they are going through.  Does it make it so we can help others in their times of need/struggle?  I say that it makes us all of the above and much more because we don’t want others to ever have to go through the struggles that we have been through.  For example the person that loses their home in a Foreclosure will tell you that they would not wish it on their worst enemy because the loss of their home, the memories that they have made in that home cannot be replaced.  They would work very hard at helping another family that is going through the same thing and they would be there for them, for moral support because they know what it is like to lose their home and the devastation that it brings a family.  If a person goes through a divorce another friend would be there for them to help them through and be their support, a shoulder to cry on.  We are not weak we are human and we all have struggles in life whether they be health, financial, marital, mental. physical, or relationship and we need emotional support of family and friends.  When someone calls upon you “dumps” on you they are not looking (I repeat)  NOT looking for you to fix them they are looking for you to just be there to listen to them. They need a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a support system they are not looking for someone to change them or fix them.  They just need someone in their corner because they are human and it is human nature to need support and friends to count on.  If you cannot count on your friends you have then it is time to find new friends.  What I mean by that is, if your friend(s) are telling you that: “You expect me to fix you” or “You expect me to fix your life” or “I cannot fix you” or “What do you want me to do? I can’t fix it.”  Then it is time to find new friends because you deserve better.  I know and I know I do…

Why is it so hard to cut off that one person in your life that you know is bad for you? Is it because you share a long history, a super close knit relationship, share secrets, or holding out hope?  Why can’t we just let go, If we know that deep inside that this relationship is just hurting us to our core, why can’t we just let it die?  I myself am struggling with a relationship that I know is dead and that is no good for me.  This relationship died a long time ago, and I have been fighting to keeping this relationship intact; for what? I realized that I am fighting for a lie and for a one sided relationship one that is only wanted by me.  Once I realized that, I began to ask myself the question of Why? over and over again. Why am I fighting so hard for nothing?  I will tell you, I want to think that I am wrong and this is going to work, I want to think that I have not been wasting “years” on this relationship and that “they” have not been lying to me all this time and I did not catch them in a lie or two or three or four or ten… WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR??? I know what I need to do but I cannot do it I physically cannot do it, I cannot pull myself to pull the plug.  I think that this person owes me an explanation of why they have not been upfront and honest with me, But then I reel myself in and remember my own words; “I am owed nothing.”

I respect myself enough to drop the mic and walk away…