Friendship, Love, Sisters, Life

“Real Love is Knowing Someone’s Weaknesses and Not Taking Advantage of Them. Knowing Their Flaws and Not Taking Advantage of Them.” ~Unknown~

As I grew up (from childhood until now) I was always looking for that “perfect friendship.” That friendship that would last a lifetime.  When I was younger I had “best SBFF5friends” through each stage of life and the ones that I thought would be my “best friends” forever and a lifetime.  For example my youngest of “best friend” I would have these horrible fights but always made up within days because we could never go more than a few days without playing Barbie’s, playing restaurant in the summer, sleeping over, running around the neighborhood, riding bikes, or dancing in the streets at dark (laughing out loud.) Though she and I are still casual friends we are not “friends” in the sense of the word that we kept in contact all these years.  We grew apart, nothing less, nothing more. I still care for her and I still consider her a friend but we just grew up and grew apart.

My elementary years brought a seriously great school friend that lasted me from 4th grade until Summer of my 8th grade year going into 9th grade. I had this great relationship with a wonderful friend and we spent almost all of our free time together and she was either at my house on the weekends or I was at hers.  I had a “best friend” to last me a lifetime. We often spoke of our wedding day’s and how we would have each other be in our weddings. We were planning our futures together and our children growing up together, attending to school together in the same school as we have and we would live in the same town be stay at moms together raising our kids next door to one another.  The summer going into high school we had a huge fight over a “poison” concert that was taking place on my birthday and we never reconciled, no matter how hard we tried.  She got to high school and started hanging with a different crowd than me and she took the path of drugs and alcohol.  I saw her 2 years after graduation in a clothing store I was already married at the time and she was dating some loser, she asked about my life and I as well of her.  She later married the guy and that was the last of heard of her, again we grew apart.

SBFF3

I am a married adult mature (semi-mature adult) and working a grocery store I meet 2 wonderful friends that now 24 years later 1 one of them is still one of my nearest, dearest, most cherished, appreciated friends I have in my life.  My other friend and I just grew apart life for got busy and I was a stay at home mom for all these years while she has maintained several jobs.  (I know, What’s up with the pattern of “We just grew apart”?)

In my adult years I have struggled with a couple “best friends” I cannot maintain “Best” friends status in my adult years.  I have heard that I am “needy,” “difficult,” and “selfish”  that is why “they” cannot stay friends with me or why we fight so often.  I have also heard that “I am a hard friend to have.”  After ALL this I have come to the realization that I am chasing after something that has been in my all along, all my life, since birth.

A Best Friend…

SBFF7

I was born with a best friend, My sister Debbie.  The day I was born I believe that I blessed with a best friend for life and that I have been looking for someone who has been in front of me for 45 years.  When I think back on my whole life and think about what ‘is’ a best friend (and I mean truly, WHAT IS a best, WHAT MAKES a person a best friend?)  I have to say to myself the qualities that make a best friend are as follows: a. who has always been there for you with NO strings attached? b.  who has stuck by your side even through thick and thin? c. who loves you even when you are not lovable? d. if you were to get married/die/dying today who would you want by your side? e. who doesn’t keep track of how many times you have hurt/betrayed them? f. who doesn’t keep score of your sins against them?  My answer to every one of these questions many more was my sister Debbie and I was searching this world for the right person to be there for me as “gal pal” and a shoulder to cry on in times of need.  To understand that I am a fractured soul, a broken piece of glass, an imperfection that just is looking for normal human love in a friendship.

 

I was reminded (rudely) what I had been looking for has been right in front of my eyes all these years andSBFF6 to stop looking elsewhere because my best friend is right here.  When I was growing up I thought for a longtime in my very young years that Debbie was my mom because she was always taking care of me because my mom was working, especially in the summer.  I shared a bedroom all through my life with my sister (until my sister moved out).  I never shared a room with any of my other sisters, EVER.  I followed Debbie everywhere, when she married I spent a lot nights at her house with her and new baby when he arrived because he was like my baby brother.  Later years when I started dating my (now) husband and I got engaged, I knew that I only wanted one person standing next to me on my wedding day.  Because there was only one person that had been a constant in my life.  Only one person that has been there for me whole life. Only one person that was my best friend, that forgives the forgivable, that will love me forever no matter what, the one person that has always been there for me, the one person that will never leave me, the one person that I will never grow apart from, my sister Debbie.  My one and only, always and forever best friend…

 

 

My Mind Will Not Stop Running

“I am thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength” ~ Alex Elle~

Loving ourselves is probably one of the hardest things for us to do as humans because it is human nature to love another person first before ourselves.  I know for myself that for years as a mother and wife I have put my kids and husband first.  When my husband still working, my kids were still young and I was a stay at home mom I put my husband first because he was the “bread winner/ money maker” and then the boys second.  If there was left over then I would get the leftovers for myself.  I never complained because I know how truly lucky and blessed I was to be able to be at home full-time with my boys rather than having to go to work outside the home.  I would not trade those years for anything because I was home with my boys’ everyday and got to see every mile stone from birth to graduation and got to experience their field trips and all until graduation.  I loved myself in those years last and my self esteem suffered as well in those years, I had none and it show in my outward appearance and in my relationships.  I had few friendships and the ones I did were “tough.”  I had a hard time keeping myself happy and them (my friends) because I was so unhappy with myself.  During those years I was a stress eater, happy eater, party eater, bored eater, celebrate eater, and all around just eat to eat, eater.  I never paid much attention to the amount of weight I had put on until I started avoided pictures of myself. I passed mirror of myself in the mall with my boys one school shopping season and thought to myself there was no way that could be me in the mirror and walked away never looking back.  I walked into the “Grand Rapids Tent and Awning” to buy myself a pair of jeans (something that I had not done in years and years I had been wearing stretch pants forever) and I had to buy the “KING XXXXL AWNING” and they only go to a “KING XXXXXL AWNING.” That meant if I gained much more weight I would be “sized” out of the store and be onto the “special order” stores for the REAL FATTIES.  This was no joke I was no longer just chunky I was now MORBIDLY OBESE.  I had to get EFFING real with myself and do something about myself. I learned that I could no longer comfort myself with food and that I had to learn to do something else at night while my husband worked instead of eats.  I got my “comfort eating” under control but I did not have my “right” foods in check at this time.  (That would come a much later date.)

“If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be chasing after people that don’t love you either” ~Mandy Hale~

Friendship?

I have spent my adult life fighting to maintain friendships with people that clearly do not want to be a part of my life.  I have also learned that (the hard way) the lessons that are taught to us when we are children (seriously.) Do not force people to be your friends or do not force friendships to develop, if they are meant for you they will on their own without force.  NEVER FORCE another to be your friend or buy a friendship.  “If you love something set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”   I have spent a lot of adult years dealing with toxic friendships that are one sided friendships with me putting all the work into the friendship to maintain the friendship go the extra mile(s) to make sure that we keep the friendship intact.  I stopped calling and visiting these friends one day to see if they would put forth effort to show that they felt this friendship meant as much to them as it did/does to me.  I hear crickets; I got nothing back from those friends, no phone calls, no visits, no snail mail, no contact NOTHING.  I realized that I was in a one sided friendships. Friendships that only wanted to be maintained or cherished by one person.  One of the hardest realizations for me was for me accept this, I just could not I wanted to fight to maintain this friendship and keep it.  I wanted to give it another chance to make it work, I kept trying no matter how many times I fell or got knocked down I got back up and kept fight back to make it work.  But today I realize there is nothing left to fight for and I am fighting a losing battle that will never be won.  I also looked at myself in the mirror (so to speak) and said to myself; “Ceri Jo, you are worth so much more than this.” I AM worth so much more and I do not deserve the torment that I have endured recently.

I have come to the realization as well that I have been lied to by one of these said “friends” over and over again.  I catch them in a lie repeatedly that is heartbreaking for me.  This is one of those times that “social media” is a BITCH.  It cuts like a damn knife because either a. they do not care they are hurting me or b. they forgot what they told me and posted their words knowing full well they would tear my heart in two, without any disregard of how it would affect me. Or c. they are just a cold heartless BITCH that it trying to oust the last nail in our coffin of friendship and want to end it but are too cowardly to confront me like an adult and tell me the WHOLE truth.  The truth about everything from square one with no secrets.

I had a memory come up on Facebook today from one these said friends today that made me laugh out loud; “Ceri, I love you no matter what don’t make me get my can of whip butt out.  Because I love you that much and you are very special to me” This says to me that this person would hang by me through the rough parts of life.  But instead she chose to run when things go hard because I was too hard to handle and I was too needy.  I was struggling with a lot of health problems and with the number one problem being 5 brain surgeries in less than 2 months.  I could not be less needy nor could be a better friend or the kind of friend she was looking for.  I was being selfish and it was all about me at that time YES I said that.

“What You Do Today Can Improve All Your Tomorrows.” ~Elite Daily~

Changed?”

I know that anyone that follows my blog regularly has read my story of change and being scared straight into the eating right and being the road to better health.  (If not read back to my first blog entry or just heck read them all.)  I have been through so much the last five or so years and I have changed tremendously over these years mentally and physically.  I am no longer going through the motions of life just along for a ride, I am living life for all that it worth.  I am also on a long journey that started seventeen months ago that will bring about those BIGGEST changes in my life ever.  BIGGER than the day that I married my husband, BIGGER than either day my boys were born the BIGGEST of the BIGGEST days is coming forth.  The transformation of the new and improved “Ceri Jo.”  I cannot wait to see what changes are ahead for me thus far and I am happy with who I have in my life now because with change brings new people.  I have decided that I no longer need to make others happy first and I no longer need to fight for friendships work, it all came about with change.  Change it good and when people tell me I have changed I am happy with that I wear it proudly because I am a better person because of it. I refuse to let people from my past use my change like it is a bad thing.

What do you have to say about me…?

I Am Not Who I Once Was

“I will never be who I once was because of what I have been through.”     (Credit:  Successful Flow )

I recently decided to get a Mohawk ( OH MY GAWD YES!!) and I love my new haircut very, very much I think it is very fitting of me and I thought that my friends and family would see that too.  Boy I was very wrong on that level in more ways than you could even begin to ever imagine.  I awoke this morning all excited to go on a trip to see my oldest son and show off my new haircut and also to show it off to my mother. Knowing full well that it was going to be a shock factor at first to her and my father as well, but they would soon get over it rather quickly.  I wet my hair and put “goop” in it and blew that baby up straight in the air and used the round brush to curl it over so it looked almost like a “pin-up curl” but it was closed and covered in the front (anyway) I was so proud that I had the look I wanted and I put make-up on and was out the door.  I felt AWESOME!!! Everyone hated my hair and by everyone I mean everyone.  E_V_E_R_Y_O_N_E.  There was not one person today that I saw that did not give me feedback about my haircut, hairstyle, or a look of horror.  My hair style is a HUGE no FREAKING go with everyone but me.  Everyone hates it but me and well… you know what…….

I DO NOT GIVE A RATS ASS I love it and it is not about them it is about me and that is what this all about.  If I look like a rooster’s asshole then I look a rooster’s asshole.  I have to live with it not anyone else and I am going to keep this for a while (all summer) and I am going to embrace it and if people don’t like here is what I have to say:

A few years ago I was unable to get out of my house to do much of anything besides go to the doctor.  I was very sick and spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital.  I spent way too much time being fat and unhealthy having way too many surgeries to find out what was making me sicker each and every day.  I almost died a little over a year ago due to a blood clot that traveled to my lung from a routine procedure that I have had done many times before.  I did not need another 2-1/2 weeks in the hospital to wake me up to the fact that I had my “wake up call” that this my chance to get my head out my ass and get my life in order because this truly is my last chance to get my affairs in order (in regards to my health.) From that moment I changed everything about my life and I do truly mean everything and got serious with myself.  I am NOT who I once was, I am renewed, I am a new better person and this is just a haircut.  It is trivial in the scope of life and things I have to worry about and considering what I have been through I am not going to worry about my haircut.  I will continue to pick my battles and this is not a battle I am going to battle ever, EVER.  I will shave my head again before I worry about this seriously.

I am NOT who I once was, I am renewed, I am ME, I love me just the way I am, I love my Mohawk maybe I will dye it deep purple too…

Take The Plunge & Ride The Wave

“Sometimes something might look like an obstacle in your path…                                              But it is really a gift to move you in a better direction.”                                                                            ~Jane Lee Logan~

When I was a kid there was a water park that my aunts took my cousins and I to in the summer a few times.  I remember that it was a huge climb up a hill to get to the top of the water slides.  I also remember that we would drive into the parking lot my cousin and I would look in amazement at that hill and wonder how we ever get to the top and if there was an elevator or not.  Her and I would jumped out of the car and take off out of the car running towards that hill.  We would get to the bottom of the hill and rest a bit and make a plan on how to best make it up that hill the fastest and get to the water slide. OFF we were and we ran as fast as we could to the top and then had to wait in line to ride back to the bottom to plunge in the pool below.  (The funny thing is that ride was faster than the run/walk/wait/line  to the top to ride the slide to the bottom.)  So we scooted and scooted closer and closer to the front and soon it was our turn and we sprayed our feet off and hopped up on the slide. We waited until we were instructed to go and then we were off racing to the bottom to see who could get to the bottom first we would scream eachothers names as we were going down to see where the other was to see who was in front and then before we knew it we were in the pool below and the ride was over. Just like that the fun was done and we had to do it all over again. So this continued all day for hours and hours,  I remembered my Aunts read books, drank coffee all day, and listened to their “stories” on the radio.  These were the best days of summer for me that I can remember.

I remember today how I felt standing at the bottom of that hill standing there looking up to the top or even how I felt as we drove into the park looking at the hill. It is reminiscent of my life right now, I am looking at my life where I am now and seeing that I have HUGE hill to climb in front of me.  I wonder how I will ever climb that hill and though I know I can do it I am looking for the best plan. I have been working on the best plan for me, for my life, for my well-being, my future, and my long-term life plan. I have made one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life, aside from the decisions of marrying my husband and becoming a mom two times over,  My life is about to change ten times fold and ten times fold that.  I am on the trip of a lifetime with the best person beside me, the person that has been through more with me than anyone has in my whole life, my very best friend.  My husband and I could not think of a better person to start and end this journey with than him.  My husband and I have been through more than the average couple go through in the first twenty-four years of marriage and through it all we have weathered the storm and we are still fighting to keep it together.

Trying to plug away at our lives we do not have the perfect marriage but at the end of each day we have each other.  We say we are I am sorry, I love you, forgive me, give me another chance, I am working on it, I need you, and much, much more.  We are a work in progress everyday and we try to make it work and I am glad and thankful that I have you by my side to carrying me through and to encourage me on this difficult journey.  I know that I would have never made it through the last few years without him in my life as my number one support system and care giver while I have been sick.  There is NO ONE on this Earth that would have put up with me like he has and I mean NO ONE.  If I had married any other person they would have left me a longtime ago and so for that I am eternally grateful that I am married to my husband.  Thank you for being my husband and teaching me about forgiveness and strength.  Thank You for having a kind heart and a forgiving heart.

I love you forever and ever, You are my EVERYTHING.

T.B.I.

” “I got very tired of hearing how ‘lucky’ I was,” says author Kara Swanson.  “This was not some vacation-gone-wrong that I would return from with horrific tales of adventure. From the moment I left that hospital, I heard slap-on-the-back choruses of ‘It could have been worse!’ and ‘God, you were lucky!’ Intellectually, I understood that. But emotionally, I did not feel very lucky.”
There’s no denying that life is different after a traumatic brain injury (TBI). In addition to all the physical changes a brain injury may bring, a TBI can also mean the loss of a career or the disruption of an education. It can change your plans for the future, alter the way you meet and make friends, and affect the way you think about yourself. Life after a brain injury usually involves challenges, but that doesn’t mean life is less valuable or fulfilling.”  ~http://www.brainline.org~

Through the process of my five brain surgeries in less than two months I not only lost a sense of who I was but I also lost friends and family because they could not deal with the new me.  They had no idea how to cope with the roller coaster of emotions that I was now living on.  I had to drop out of college with on three credit hours remaining to maintain my degree not knowing that I would never have the ability to go back.  I was under so much stress trying to explain myself to those around me as to why I was so angry all the time or why I could not remember things.  I was experiencing dementia like symptoms and they could not understand that some would even accuse me of lying or being to hard to handle.  Life after brain injury in my case multiple surgeries involved many challenges, my speech was awful after surgery, I was left with a horrible stutter and difficulty finding words.  I could barely function on my own without assistance from another and someone needed me but I could not be there for them.  As much as my husband tried to explain that them they could not understand that and walked out of my life.  They could not see past their own issues to even notice that I had just been through life threatening surgery and was struggling to keep my own life together and could not possibly help her.  It had nothing to do with me not being a good person it was all to do with me being just released from the hospital after two and half weeks with a life threatening infection after brain surgery that almost killed me.  It was their choice to walk away and be selfish not mine.

“Dealing with the injury
Soon after the injury, most people tend to focus on the abilities that have been lost. Emotionally, the experience can be overwhelming, confusing, and frustrating.”

Once I realized that I needed to focus on those people who wanted to be in my life with me and stopped chasing those that did not want to be a part of my life was the day I started to heal.  I am mentally and physically healthier than I have been and my life can only get better.  I live my life with the motto; “If you want to be a part of my life you have to accept me as I am flawed and all.  I am damaged goods I have a traumatic injury and I am hard to handle.  I cannot control my emotions or my out burst.  IT IS WHAT IS!”

To those people in my past that have walked out on me, those that continue to sit by and watch me from sidelines, and to my haters ; “The best of me is yet to come and the transformation of the NEW me.  I WILL BE AMAZED!!!.”

I am healing…

I Am Not Who I Once Was

” “I got very tired of hearing how ‘lucky’ I was,” says author Kara Swanson.  “This was not some vacation-gone-wrong that I would return from with horrific tales of adventure. From the moment I left that hospital, I heard slap-on-the-back choruses of ‘It could have been worse!’ and ‘God, you were lucky!’ Intellectually, I understood that. But emotionally, I did not feel very lucky.”
There’s no denying that life is different after a traumatic brain injury (TBI). In addition to all the physical changes a brain injury may bring, a TBI can also mean the loss of a career or the disruption of an education. It can change your plans for the future, alter the way you meet and make friends, and affect the way you think about yourself. Life after a brain injury usually involves challenges, but that doesn’t mean life is less valuable or fulfilling.”  ~http://www.brainline.org~

Through the process of my five brain surgeries in less than two months I not only lost a sense of who I was but I also lost friends and family because they could not deal with the new me.  They had no idea how to cope with the roller coaster of emotions that I was now living on.  I had to drop out of college with on three credit hours remaining to maintain my degree not knowing that I would never have the ability to go back.  I was under so much stress trying to explain myself to those around me as to why I was so angry all the time or why I could not remember things.  I was experiencing dementia like symptoms and they could not understand that some would even accuse me of lying or being to hard to handle.  Life after brain injury in my case multiple surgeries involved many challenges, my speech was awful after surgery, I was left with a horrible stutter and difficulty finding words.  I could barely function on my own without assistance from another and someone needed me but I could not be there for them.  As much as my husband tried to explain that them they could not understand that and walked out of my life.  They could not see past their own issues to even notice that I had just been through life threatening surgery and was struggling to keep my own life together and could not possibly help her.  It had nothing to do with me not being a good person it was all to do with me being just released from the hospital after two and half weeks with a life threatening infection after brain surgery that almost killed me.  It was their choice to walk away and be selfish not mine.

“Dealing with the injury
Soon after the injury, most people tend to focus on the abilities that have been lost. Emotionally, the experience can be overwhelming, confusing, and frustrating.”

Once I realized that I needed to focus on those people who wanted to be in my life with me and stopped chasing those that did not want to be a part of my life was the day I started to heal.  I am mentally and physically healthier than I have been and my life can only get better.  I live my life with the motto; “If you want to be a part of my life you have to accept me as I am flawed and all.  I am damaged goods I have a traumatic injury and I am hard to handle.  I cannot control my emotions or my out burst.  IT IS WHAT IS!”

To those people in my past that have walked out on me, those that continue to sit by and watch me from sidelines, and to my haters ; “The best of me is yet to come and the transformation of the NEW me.  I WILL BE AMAZED!!!.”

I am healing…

 

Million Reasons

million reasons

“You’re giving me a million reasons to let you go
You’re giving me a million reasons to quit the show
You’re givin’ me a million reasons
Give me a million reasons
Givin’ me a million reasons
                                                                                 About a million reasons”  ~Lady Gaga~

I listen to this song and cannot help to think of the millions of reasons to let things go in my life.  I have learned over the last year for the sake of my well-being, sanity, emotional stability and well for just for ME I need to focus on the things that will better my life in any and all directions.  I have learned to focus relationships on myself and look at how those relationships in my life are helping me to focus my life on a “Millions Reasons” to move in the right direction supporting me all the way even when I am not easily supportable.  None of us are always easily to love and I can say for sure 100% that I am not easy to care for but when I love you, I love you with all of my heart and I do not give up on you.  UNLESS you have given me a reason to , hence a “Million Reasons.”  My question is this, How can a person that professes their love in friendship or any kind of relationship with myself say that they support me lie to me, ignore me, abandon me and act as if I never matter?

“Waited, Got Tired, Lost Hope, Let Go”  ~Unknown~

That Point that you  ask yourself; Do I just not care anymore?  Have I just moved on? Have I just finally realized I do mean as much to you as you mean to me? Or  FUCK IT and FUCK YOU?????

“WE’RE NOT FRIENDS.  WE’RE NOT ENEMIES.  WE’RE STRANGERS WITH SOME MEMORIES.” ~Unknown~

I spent so much time fighting for your attention and fighting for your time as a friend and family only to realize that I was the only one that wanted to be a part of the relationship.  It was difficult to realize that I was wanting to make this relationship work more than you, well actually realizing that I was the only one wanting to have a relationship at all.

There are no harsh feelings or a bad taste left in my mouth, “It is what is” and we move on.  I have enjoyed the years that we have had together and the memories we have shared.  I have the memories to last me a lifetime.  I want those to out weight these bad memories that could be coming if we were to keep this relationship “status quo.”  No one is happy in this relationship and it is painful and hurtful.

“There’s two things I judge harshly on.  The inability for one to admit when they are wrong.  and the lack, and the lack of courage to say I’m sorry. That tells me all I need to know.  Because we are all wrong at some point.  but not all of us are sorry.” ~JmStorm~

There’s a war that rages inside me that says “keep fighting and never give up” but there is my heart that says “set them free if they love you  they will come back” I look at it like a like a bird and I have set you free.  Fly away and be free from me.  I am no longer a burden to you.

“Never beg someone to be in your life. If you text, call, visit, and still get ignored, walk away. It’s called ‘SELF-RESPECT’. ~Steve Wentworth~